From the Mouths of Babes

Few things in life will make you feel older than a Birthday. Today is mine. I’m 41. But besides marking the beginning of another year of life, this kind of occasion is a great teaching opportunity. You can teach all kinds of things. For instance, advanced math is a good subject.

As we hung around the house, getting dinner ready and assisting the kids with their homework, I casually conversed with my youngest, Olivia. Tina, seizing upon this rare and exciting math teaching opportunity, said to Olivia, “Today, Daddy is 41. So when you’re 16 he’ll be…?” She immediately completed the sentence, “Dead!”

Testing the Legend

It seems all of our kids are at the age when their teeth fall out in clumps. A few days ago, Mason lost yet another tooth (possibly one of his last). He told us about it but didn't tellus that on that very night, he forgot (or neglected) to place said tooth under his pillow. The next morning, no tooth equaled no cash. The following night, unbeknownst to Mom and Dad, he put the tooth under his pillow but didn't tell anyone whether or not TF paid him a visit. Several days later, curiosity got ahold of Tina at the dinner table and she asked, "Mason, did you ever remember to put your tooth under your pillow?" He replied, "The first night I forgot but the second night I remembered." "And what happened?", Mother queried. "A dollar" came the quick and unemotional reply. "Why didn't you tell anyone?" She continued. At last the cat came out of the bag, "Well, I thought you guys were the tooth fairy so I didn't tell anyone."

I'm sure. We're TF! Whatever!

The Girl Who Tempted Fate

A storm was hanging in the sky, waiting to unload on us, so we contented ourselves with indoor activities. Some played games, some watched TV, at least one cooked dinner. It was patently unremarkable. Given the impending weather, none of us reacted very much when the power went out and then within seconds came back on. Other than the need to reset all the clocks in the house, it wasn't much of a bother…a mere hiccup in the midst of our relaxation.

Go back with me to a few moments earlier and taste what it must have been like to be my own parent. Our youngest, and probably our most mischievous, Olivia, decided that since it wasn't actually raining she would go out side and play until the weather dictated otherwise. As she wandered about the house alone something caught her eye. A large box on the side of the house with a huge handle along side. This particular side of the house is not often visited as it is out of the way. But she visited it. And the handled box tickled her fancy. It was, of course, the main breaker to the entire house and she just had to know what would happen if she pulled that handle! A quick jerk, a loud click, and nothing. So she quickly pushed it back into its original position and continued with her play, ignorant of the demon of electricity she had just played with.

Sometimes I think about the stupid things I did out of ignorance or pure curiosity and it makes me sick to my stomach. When she innocently confessed to what she had done, I think my heart stopped. Even now, we are preparing her shackles to be worn until she's 28.

Cootie Avoidance and the Art of Dress

There are many things in today's world from which to choose as a source of entertainment. For Tina and me one of the things we like to do is watch "What Not to Wear" on the learning channel, wherein the hosts take someone in desperate need of a well developed fashion sense and school them in the arts of proper dress. This schooling includes everything from the do's and don'ts of color matching, to how a pair of pants can flatter even the most unflattering figure. Earlier this week one of the "students" on the show was wearing a pair of pants that were held tightly in place by some overzealous elastic approximately 18 inches above her navel. To further the "look" she wore a standard brassiere that fit in a very non-standard way. The end result was that her top half and her bottom half appeared to be in the process of a continental collision somewhere in the vicinity of her 3rd rib. So, the hosts of the show politely talked her through the proper fit of ladies undergarments. Tina then commented, in an offhanded fashion, "I guess none of mine fit properly."

This weekend was Mothers Day. A day where children celebrate their Mothers and husbands sweat profusely at the prospect of having to explain that they didn't actually forget, they were simply busy preparing for Christmas. So it was that mere days before Mother's Day I was still considering real versus fake Christmas Trees and had yet to do anything tangible for this weekend. That's when fate stepped in in the form of a very poorly dressed woman in an ill fitting bra. This was my chance and I grabbed on with gusto. I proudly announced that we were going to the mall!

Once there I directed the family to the upper level and headed to Victoria's Secret. One of Victoria's secrets is that boys under 25 will melt if they go in the store. So the adults in the group fastened the kids to the rail outside the store and headed in to buy a brand new, properly fitting, extremely comfortable and fabulously attractive bra. Once done we headed out of the store and attempted to hand the bright pink gift bag to the boys. They of course were having none of it. After all, it was pink and probably had terminal cooties.

The next day was Mothers Day. We got ready for church and Tina donned her new bra and her old robe and worked feverishly to get the kids into dressing mode, with some success. At one point she approached Wyatt for who knows what and didn't notice that her bra was showing ever so slightly. Wyatt was very purposeful in his avoidance of eye to bra contact. Just looking at it might bring on who knows what kind of disease. So I jokingly asked why he was so embarrassed to which he replied, with emphasis on each letter, "I do not want to see her B-R-A-W-L."